Graduation 2024 continued-a little late

Summer vacation for the kids is coming to an end on August 14th! We got back from our trip to Europe (which was fantastic!) and I entered into a transition period. I really wasn't sure what to expect during this time, but I will say it was a little tough. This is where I will bring you back to where I ended in May...if you didn't read the first part of this blog, please go read it first.

COVID-19 was a very scary virus that changed our world. It changed me and brought me to confront memories and trauma. During the shutdown period in early 2020, my kids were doing school at home and I was forced to not work. Both VASA and Club Pilates were closed and my mind became my enemy. In the summer of 2020, I was given upsetting news on top of the pandemic chaos and that left me with no choice but to seek counseling. I was in a place that felt like "rock bottom" and there was either death or a way out for me. I knew the kids needed me and therefore, I had to fight to get out of that pit. During counseling, I learned a lot about myself, my past traumas, past and present relationships-God took me on a roller coaster of emotional processing.

In the new movie Inside Out 2, the character, Joy, takes bad and uncomfortable memories that the child experiences and launches them to the back of the child's brain. This is showing a common practice among many of us, including myself. It is so much easier to not deal with the 'things' and instead throw them away as if they never happened. The "just move on" mind set. The problem is, bad things did happen and when we throw them to the back of our brain, they still exist and appear by way of emotions in times of similar trouble or emotional experiences from earlier years. There isn't a time-stamp placed on the memories if we throw them to the back of our processor. It's just a delay or "sweeping it under the rug" and tripping over it when the dirt builds up.

The counseling journey I took, involved weekly appointments, reading books on specific topics, marriage counseling, and learning who I could talk to about these things happening. Not everyone was equipped to handle the strong feelings and emotions I was experiencing. Oftentimes, when we listen to people talk about their stuff, if we have similar experiences and haven't dealt with them, we may not be of any help. Our experiences and feelings will inevitably get in the way of logical thinking and allow anxiety/stories to be in charge. When I learned who to talk to about my issues, including GOD, I started making progress. Prayer journal writing, reading books by Christian authors that included Bible verses, and talking with spiritually mature Christians, made a huge difference. I started to heal from all the hurt, trauma, and bad memories I had pushed to the back of my brain. I turned to Jesus to help me learn to forgive people and myself for bullying by and against me during my childhood, teen, and adult (parenting) years. Admitting that I am guilty of the things I accuse others of doing was also a huge eye-opener. I think we are familiar with the phrase "it takes one to know one". It took me recognizing that I am no better than anyone that has ever hurt me because at some point I have probably done or said something similar or unforgettable. When God showed me this I looked to Jesus for help. Jesus taught me how to forgive and give grace because that is how forgiveness became a thing. Jesus dying on the cross and coming back to life, provided forgiveness and grace to everyone who accepts Jesus.

The importance of forgiveness and grace for ourselves and each other, is that it allows us to be free of anxiety in our relationships and human interactions. If we can understand where our reactions to bad things come from, we can turn them into logical responses instead. When we have a response instead of a reaction, our mind is more stable and calm. When I learned I can control my reactions by understanding my emotions and the history behind them, I became a happier person. Parenting became easier because I wasn't mixing my "forgotten" bad memories with those things my kids were going through. I was able to start seeing all people as equal in God's eyes and loved equally despite our short-falls. I am not at all perfect when it comes to all of the above. The enemy still gets the better of me at times but I know where to turn for help to get back on track to freedom.

The many books, counseling sessions, and consistent prayer allowed God to show me my spiritual gifts, spiritual desires, and purpose on Earth. I have wanted to open a studio since the day I started having clients come to my house 10 years ago. Honestly, I didn't think this business was going to amount to anything. It was a way to make money and still be around for the kids. God kept bringing me clients through referrals and I kept buying equipment with the money I made. The first year I became profitable was about 4 years in and I still wasn't convinced this was going to be a forever thing. I really enjoyed working at VASA, it didn't even feel like a job to me. Club Pilates was a job for me and got me in front of more people but it wasn't something I planned on doing forever. I was exhausted after teaching 12 people in one class, multiple hours per day at Club Pilates. My preference quickly became working my small business with a small number of clients in one session. There were times I got overwhelmed by all the admin stuff and wanted to close the business but then God would send me a new client that got me excited again. This played out over and over the past few years.

In the spring of 2023, God spoke through a client (and this person doesn't even know-but it's true-and one day, I pray, I am brave enough to tell this person and they accept it as God's will for me) mentioning renting a space. Honestly, I had thought about it and looked into it multiple times over the years, but it seemed impossible. I used to think "if i could win the lottery, I could open a studio." It was and still is impossible without God, which is what he showed me in the last 4 years. Here comes the exciting part. I started learning more about doing business God's way. I found a Bible study on the book of Joshua and through that I found self-worth and value as a child of God, whom chose me to do something more than working for someone. God gave me a stirring and desires to do more with the business. He led me to want to focus my efforts on combining mental health, physical health, and spiritual health into one (hence the business name that came about 10 years ago) practice. To give people the opportunity to live their best life and fulfill their God-given purpose is my purpose and the mission of this business.

In order to accomplish this, God impressed upon me that I had to sacrifice my safety nets-VASA and Club Pilates and work for him alone. I had been feeling this way for almost year and then a sermon that was given, told me now was the time. I took action, gave my notice to both places before the enemy could change my mind. I was so nervous because I didn't want to disappoint my employers or the members. God showed me the members had other great instructors around them and my employers were sad but excited for me. No one was disappointed. On May 22, 2024, my graduation from Club Pilates took place and on May 24, I graduated from VASA. I graduated from the safety-net I created and moved on with trust in God to see me through this next chapter.

We went on a two-week vacation to Europe and upon our return, I felt feelings similar to spring break 2020. Our family went to Hawaii for Spring Break 2020 and the shut downs started while we were there. When we got home, things were different. The kids were not going to school and I was not going to work. I didn't have my clients coming to the house during the shut downs because people were so sick and afraid of becoming sick. This is where the difference was and it took about a month for me to notice it-I still had my business this time. I was able to use all of the above mentioned skills, to work my way through the feelings of change that brought anxiety. At times I felt like I was unworthy, that I messed up, I quit too soon, and life is easier with VASA and Club Pilates. In reality, I was able to spend quality time with the kids and see that they need me differently now. Their needs are not the same as they were when they were little. God showed me that being an example of using my God-given gifts and doing what God has called me to do, is exactly what the kids need to see now. They have good friendships in place and relationships, including my relationship with them. I don't need to tend to every emotional need anymore.

A graduation has happened and while I cannot tell you where the studio is going to be, just know, there has been progress made and God is showing me the way one day at a time. I have nothing to prove to anyone. One step at a time, I am moving forward, just as he has done with me in the past. I am a changing person, God is not. I lack patience at times and he is teaching me to take action on his command, sit prayerfully and expectantly when he is doing the work, and trust in his ways-not the world's.

The above picture was my last day at VASA! I joined as a member on Saturday because exercising is my hobby, Pilates instructor is my purpose.